So here I am again, writing to god knows who in cyberspace. I don't have much to do here in the Butt-crack other than write on this blog (Well, I do...but those activities tend to get me into trouble, so I figure I will try to be good! =o)
I have been surfing the web for better than an hour looking for information about what to expect of my new diet and weight loss from my lap-band surgery. Can we just say information overload? This blog says "eat this", another says "Don't!" I have so many questions and worries - the wheels in my head are going non-stop like the wheels on a souped-up 1988 ghetto style cutlass sierra with spinners on its 22's! Ackkkkk! I mean, I am worried about how much food I should be eating....should it be a thimble full? Should it be a small bowl full? How can I make sure I am getting the most out of what I eat? And getting in 60 - 70 grams of protein a day?? How the HELL am I going to do that?? Protein supplements actually make me sick to my stomach they are so gross. So how can I get in that much protein without being able to eat meat? So many questions in my head!!! Then you need to throw in my other stupid worries..."Have I really been doing everything right? Is my 600 - 800 calorie a day range too much?? Too Little?" Or even better than those worries (which are justified), are the completely outrageous ones, "Is this surgery really going to help me? Am I really going to eventually lose weight? Is it too good to be true? Am I really going to dramatically lose weight?" It is enough to make someone go nuts!!!
These latter silly woes are the ones that make me realize something. I am TERRIFIED of stepping on a scale. So far so good...the needle has continually been dropping, but I have only allowed myself to be weighed at the doctor. Granted I was able to pull off 30 lbs BEFORE my surgery, but I have to admit with only one other weigh-in under my belt at the doctor's office, it leaves me wondering If (and how much) weight I have continued to drop. Or have I dropped anymore at all? Ughh. I don't know what it is, but I just can't bring myself to step on the scale right now. I don't want any disappointment, and I don't want anything else in my life to cause me any stress. On the other hand, stepping on that scale could be a good thing, I could have dropped a good bit more weight, and it could motivate me even further. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do it!!! Is it unnatural to have a fear of scales? That fear should have existed when I was at my heaviest, not now!!! What the hell is wrong with me?
So anyhow, before you think I am completely losing my sanity, let me stop raving like a lunatic about scales. On to other things....
So I think in my first post I touched on how my love life had completely gone to hell in a hand-basket. What I neglected to mention was that my relationship was an unfortunate victim of the Long Distance Gods. Being in a different state from the love of my life (across the country in fact) was never easy, but we made it work for a while. Now that it seems to have taken a turn for the worst, I figure that NEW chapter (or book, if you will) of my life should maybe include taking new chances on other romantic opportunities. Even though I am by no way over my recent split (I am actually very heartbroken), I did manage to muster up the courage to ask a co-worker of mine to be my date for an upcoming wedding. This particular co-worker has expressed interest in me (which took me a while to accept, because I always assumed NOBODY liked the fat girl...) and I figured, "what the hell?" I am not saying I am looking for anything out of the potential date, but maybe I could at least have some fun, right? He tentatively agreed to go, pending how our work schedules are that weekend (which automatically in my head I take that to mean "unless he gets cold feet and decides to back out at the last minute") but as of now, I have a date. I am looking forward to it! He is a cute guy, we have become pretty good friends at work, and his personality challenges mine (I LOVE a good challenge!) The wedding is at the end of the month. By that time I should be about 5 weeks post op, and hopefully quite a few more pounds lighter (if I would ever get on the scale to find out!) Hopefully the change will be noticeable and it will make my potential date's interest perk a little bit more and leave him no choice but to attend the wedding with me and not bail out. Wish me luck, hopefully all goes well!
I NEED this to work out. I can't explain it, but I think having a successful "ask someone on a date and actually have it go off without a hitch" will help me get over my recent heartbreak. As I mentioned, I relied on him for every bit of confidence I managed to have in myself. I never thought I was even remotely pretty until he told me a thousand times that I was "Beautiful." Without him there to continue it, I don't know if I can keep believing it. I know that sounds silly, but it is true. I WANT to believe it though. I WANT to believe I am everything he said, and not just because he was flattering me...but because I really am! For some reason I think the whole date thing would help prove to ME that I don't need him to tell me those things...maybe it will help show me that I should have that confidence in myself. I don't know, I am sure I sound absolutely silly again, but I can't help it. Maybe the surgery has made my mind race lately, or maybe it is just being here in the butt-crack by myself. Whatever is going on in this damn head of mine, I hope I can get it under wraps. Until then....I guess I will just have to keep ranting here. Sorry! =o)
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