Rollercoaster Ride ....

Well, I am sad to report that my wedding date-to-be turned out to NOT be. What a blow right in the gut. Right now though, I feel as though I am taking one continous hit in the gut. Yeah, maybe I am having a bit of a pity party for myself, bu. t I can't help it. Not only did my wedding date bail on me, I haven't really heard from him since at all since before the weekend either! We don't get to see each other very often anymore at work because I moved to a different part of the plant we are working at, and I wonder if him showing "interest" in me wasn't more of a convenience thing for him because I was there? Who knows. Actually it seems like the social life I had started to get here in the Butt Crack has seemingly gone down the tubes and is now non-existant. I spend more time in this apartment thinking of things I really shouldn't -- I really can't stand it.
I AM seeing results from the surgery and I am really excited about that! But is it wrong to want to see some results away from the scale? I know others notice the little differences, but will they ever break free from seeing me as the "fat girl" and start to see me as someone else? I am desperately trying to break free from that mindset myself, and maybe some reassurance from others would be helpful with that. Is it wrong to wish for affirmations that would help show me that what I have put myself through in the past couple of months has been worth it?
I was soooo hoping that my wedding date would have been one of those affirmations. I guess I couldn't catch that break. The sad part is, I really did kind of start liking him. Maybe it's just the rebound thing going on, or maybe I am just desperately looking for somewhere else to focus my affections since the person I love shut me out of his life. I don't know though. I view it as trying to move forward...but I need help with that journey. I need some good things to happen along the way. I need someone to see me for person I am, and to show some interest. Is that wrong to wish for?
I am rambling on and on now...so I will shut up. Until next time...

Losing Hope - May be Flying Solo!

Okay so little petty things never seem to work out for me. As of right now, it is looking like my wedding date-to-be isn't going to be. Unfortunately a series of events at work have made it look like he is going to be stuck there, forcing me to have to fly solo (as usual) for the wedding Saturday night. There is still the courteous "perhaps" on the floor, but at this point, I am not holding out much hope. It is funny because I REALLY REALLY want him to go with me. I think we would have soo much fun together this weekend, and I really hate the idea of having to go by myself. If by chance there is some magic genie or fairy out there who can grant this wish for me, I hope he/she is listening right now. Please let that inkling of hope come through! I have mentioned already what it would do for my self-esteem...but have I mentioned what it will do it if things DON'T workout? Yeah, I don't wanna think about it either.
On a more positive note though, I weighed in a day early and I am officially 15.5 lbs down post surgery at 28 days, which brings my overall total (with my pre-surgery diet) to 45.5 lbs. YAAAAY! I guess that is something to be happy about, right?
I just wish my other wish would come true and make me happy.....

Please?!

How do I break the "Fat Girl" mindset???

So I have this problem I can't seem to get over. Despite the constant comments about how I am losing weight and looking good, I can't seem to get out of the mindset that I will always be the "Fat Girl." I really wish I could break free from it, but I just can't figure out how.
So after going on my drive thru excursion with my wedding date-to-be, I arrived at work Monday morning to raised eyebrows from some of our other coworkers. You see, wedding date-to-be (I will just refer to him as "Date Man") had sent text messages out to some of our coworkers pinpointing that he and I were together on a Saturday evening. As if that wasn't bad enough, Date Man's best friend decided to start teasing me (in retaliation for playing practical jokes on him) and told the biggest mouth at my whole workplace that Date man and I had gone on a date. UGHHH! Talk about more raised eyebrows?!? I am still being teased about the whole thing and apparently so is Date man.
Here is my issue. First of all, I don't like being the subject of the rumor mill. Maybe if I was thin and beautiful it wouldn't bother me, but being the "Fat Chick," it really bugs me. More than being the butt of other people's jokes, I don't want Date Man to be subjected to that. My biggest fear is that people will razz him so much about doing stuff with the "Fat Chick" that he won't wanna do anything with me anymore (mainly, he will chicken out of going to the wedding.) One of my coworkers even went as far as telling Date man that "he knew what did this weekend because I was all smiles and I was very giddy." From what I understand, Date man had to defend that and say "No no no it wasn't like that..." Makes me wonder, could it ever be? He has made those types of advances before, but will he ever again?
One of my coworkers (male) who I am pretty close to is actually one of the culprits when it comes to teasing me about the situation. I asked him to stop, and told him in a nutshell why it was bugging me (the whole "Fat girl" theory about being the butt of people's jokes), he told me that I was crazy and that they didn't think of me like that. I want to believe him, I really do.... I just hope that he's right. Any suggestions? I need to know how to break free from this mentality.
Like I said, I kind of need the wedding date thing to go off without a hitch, if for no other reason than to help boost my crappy self esteem and prove a few things to myself. I just pray pray pray that it does.....

My Late Night Drive Through Excursion...

Ok, Ok... before you go off wondering what the hell I am doing at a drive-through when I am only 19 days post-op, Relax! I didn't get anything and it wasn't for me! So yesterday at work my wedding date-to-be asked me if I wanted to "go hang out with him" last night. I was very skeptical about going because I always seem to be worried about what others will say. For example, he lives by another guy we work with and I just don't want his friends to frown upon him hanging out with the fat chick and say something that may make him not wanna hang out anymore. I KNOW I have to get over that mindset, and I know I am silly for thinking that way, but it seems no matter how deep I try to bury that feeling, it always finds a way to rear its ugly head whenever I am nervous about something. I fought it yesterday though, and decided to go ahead and accept his invitation. After I left work and went to my apartment to freshen up, I sent him a text asking him if we were still on for "hanging out." He told me that we were, but that it would be "just him" because his best friend (the other guy we work with) had a party to go to. I didn't know if he was scared to be alone with me or what -- he never mentioned that his friend was going to be hanging out with us in the first place, so why would I be worried if he wasn't going to be there? How do you take that? I started to worry that maybe he was having second thoughts about inviting me. So I told him that if he still wanted me to come over I would, but that if he didn't I didn't want to be an imposition. He told me to come if I wanted, and that I wasn't a bother, so I went! When I pulled up at his place, he and his other neighbor were out by a picnic table in his yard, so I walked up and was introduced and quickly got over my nervousness because this I realized this is the same guy I joke with on a daily basis at work, what the hell did I have to be nervous about? He has seen me at my most bitchy, he has seen me on a morning with the worst hangover - falling asleep at my desk and damn near drooling on myself. He became friends with me at work because of my personality, so I decided to put that personality to work for me last night.
We sat out by his place (Me, him and his neighbor) talking and looking at some pictures and reminiscing about our younger days. Somehow one conversation turned to another, and he got on a kick talking about the best fast food place he had ever eaten at. It just so happens that place is only located in my home state (Louisiana). How we ended up at the point where we were looking up the location of the nearest one on the GPS system (and calling them to see how late they were open) is beyond me, but next thing I know we are conjuring up a plan to drive 45 minutes away to go to this place for some chicken strips.
The funny part is, I knew I wasn't going to be eating any - I didn't even have the desire to - but I told them I would drive. Both of them had a couple of drinks by that point, and I hadn't a thing. I figured it could only help win points for me with him, right? He was like, "I feel bad, are you sure you don't mind driving that far? You can't even eat it." I told him I didn't mind, and we set off on our grand adventure. All in all, the trip was fun. We talked, we cut up, THEY had chicken. It was kind of adorable actually, he was like a kid in a candy store who was on his way to Disney world. He was so excited about his chicken, he hadn't had any in almost a year!
We drove all the way back to his place, and by that time his best friend was back and waiting for us. I was welcomed by him too, and we all ended up sitting back and talking until almost 2 in the morning. I realized at this point I still had a 45 minute drive back to my apartment and had to be up for work in 2 hours. Somehow I didn't see that working out! His best friend told me to call in and stay out there and hang with them because he was having a barbecue for his wife today. My potential wedding date didn't join in this urging me to stay, so I took that as a hint to go ahead and leave. (I mean, after all, I would have had to stay at his place, and I don't know about all that!) His friend did ask me to come back again today, but I didn't go, because once again that urging wasn't backed up by any invitation from the date. I just didn't want to push things too far, you know? I am pretty sure he had every bit as much fun as I did last night, but I don't want to seem like I am trying to occupy every bit of his free time. I would like to have gone, but I think I made the right choice in not going back today. I did however take his advice and call into work today (which is a good thing because I couldn't get my tail out of bed until noon today!) Staying out that late when you just had surgery weeks before takes a good bit out of you! I just hope I don't get in too much trouble at work for calling in!
I drove home (half falling asleep) and just as I was getting to my apartment, I got a text message from him. Good sign, right? I hope so! Doesn't that at least mean he was thinking about me a little bit even an hour after I left? I hope so! This whole thing just kind of frightens me, because I find that I am liking him more and more. I don't want to get hurt, especially when I am still hurting right now as it is. Ugh! Sometimes I think all of this isn't worth the trouble. LOL
I think things went well, and I think I have some sort of chance, but I am not sure.
I wanted to ask him if he was still going to go to the wedding with me, but I didn't want to ask him that in front of everyone else, and I never got a moment alone with him. Last night wasn't about spending time by myself with him, but I think it went along way to helping things out. We had alot of fun, and I think we connected, but I am not sure just how we connected. I wish I could read him better, but he is a pretty hard damn read!
I find it funny that when I am an outsider on a situation, I am usually an awesome judge of how people feel and what they are thinking, and I can give the best advice. But when it comes to myself, I am a confused pile of mess! I know it has ALOT to do with my self-confidence issues and I am trying my best to work on that, but I just wish I could be as big of a help to myself as I am to others. Isn't it funny the way life works?
Oh, and I am sorry that I didn't talk at all about anything really band related - but I have to say I was impressed about something last night. I wasn't hungry, at all. I didn't desire any of the greasy chicken strips we drove 45 minutes to get (I never really have been a big fan of fast food, though.) I liked that even the smell of the hot, fresh food didn't tempt me one bit. If this is how things are going to continue to be, I think I am going to really like it! YAYY me! =o)

A Small Step in the Right Direction!

I keep reading about little victories that make each day special, and folks today I one. I know it seems early in my weight loss journey to be experiencing this, but man oh man it felt good!!!! Today I wore a pair of pants that used to be very tight on me and a Shirt that used to fit me pretty snug too. Well today, my pants were dragging the floor because they were baggy and my shirt fit me completely different and looked great on me. The best part of this is I had worn this shirt to work many, many times in the past, but for some reason, people noticed the shirt on me like it was brand new! Today was the first day that people REALLY noticed that I am losing weight. I had several compliments, but that wasn't the best part of all. The best buddy of my soon to be wedding date (I mentioned him in my previous two posts) came into the office and when he saw me he made a face as if to say "What the hell did you do to yourself?" ( in a GOOD way, not in a bad way at all) and shot me a big smile. I am hoping that report makes it back to my date-to-be...it can only help score points, right? It just made me feel REALLY good, and made me realize that perhaps the whole experience is going to be worth it. I also had another co-worker stop in to check up on how I am feeling post surgery. He said he was glad I was feeling good, and said I was looking great! I have never been one to take compliments well, but I guess I better start getting used to it.
He did offer one piece of advice though that I WILL take to heart. He told me that his sister had lap-band surgery, but that she became a completely different person after she lost weight. He begged me to please "Never Change" and "Never lose who I am." I smiled at him and assured him that I will always be the same "silly, goofy 'tard that I am right now - nothing could change that." His reply touched me, he said "...and that is exactly what we love about you."
I don't want vanity to become the forefront of my personality. I don't want to change the person I am on the inside, except maybe to improve on my self-confidence. I sure hope I can hold true to the words I told him. No matter what, I wanna be the same person - only with a new and improved body. =o)

Weighing in on my fears and insanity...

So here I am again, writing to god knows who in cyberspace. I don't have much to do here in the Butt-crack other than write on this blog (Well, I do...but those activities tend to get me into trouble, so I figure I will try to be good! =o)
I have been surfing the web for better than an hour looking for information about what to expect of my new diet and weight loss from my lap-band surgery. Can we just say information overload? This blog says "eat this", another says "Don't!" I have so many questions and worries - the wheels in my head are going non-stop like the wheels on a souped-up 1988 ghetto style cutlass sierra with spinners on its 22's! Ackkkkk! I mean, I am worried about how much food I should be eating....should it be a thimble full? Should it be a small bowl full? How can I make sure I am getting the most out of what I eat? And getting in 60 - 70 grams of protein a day?? How the HELL am I going to do that?? Protein supplements actually make me sick to my stomach they are so gross. So how can I get in that much protein without being able to eat meat? So many questions in my head!!! Then you need to throw in my other stupid worries..."Have I really been doing everything right? Is my 600 - 800 calorie a day range too much?? Too Little?" Or even better than those worries (which are justified), are the completely outrageous ones, "Is this surgery really going to help me? Am I really going to eventually lose weight? Is it too good to be true? Am I really going to dramatically lose weight?" It is enough to make someone go nuts!!!
These latter silly woes are the ones that make me realize something. I am TERRIFIED of stepping on a scale. So far so good...the needle has continually been dropping, but I have only allowed myself to be weighed at the doctor. Granted I was able to pull off 30 lbs BEFORE my surgery, but I have to admit with only one other weigh-in under my belt at the doctor's office, it leaves me wondering If (and how much) weight I have continued to drop. Or have I dropped anymore at all? Ughh. I don't know what it is, but I just can't bring myself to step on the scale right now. I don't want any disappointment, and I don't want anything else in my life to cause me any stress. On the other hand, stepping on that scale could be a good thing, I could have dropped a good bit more weight, and it could motivate me even further. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do it!!! Is it unnatural to have a fear of scales? That fear should have existed when I was at my heaviest, not now!!! What the hell is wrong with me?
So anyhow, before you think I am completely losing my sanity, let me stop raving like a lunatic about scales. On to other things....
So I think in my first post I touched on how my love life had completely gone to hell in a hand-basket. What I neglected to mention was that my relationship was an unfortunate victim of the Long Distance Gods. Being in a different state from the love of my life (across the country in fact) was never easy, but we made it work for a while. Now that it seems to have taken a turn for the worst, I figure that NEW chapter (or book, if you will) of my life should maybe include taking new chances on other romantic opportunities. Even though I am by no way over my recent split (I am actually very heartbroken), I did manage to muster up the courage to ask a co-worker of mine to be my date for an upcoming wedding. This particular co-worker has expressed interest in me (which took me a while to accept, because I always assumed NOBODY liked the fat girl...) and I figured, "what the hell?" I am not saying I am looking for anything out of the potential date, but maybe I could at least have some fun, right? He tentatively agreed to go, pending how our work schedules are that weekend (which automatically in my head I take that to mean "unless he gets cold feet and decides to back out at the last minute") but as of now, I have a date. I am looking forward to it! He is a cute guy, we have become pretty good friends at work, and his personality challenges mine (I LOVE a good challenge!) The wedding is at the end of the month. By that time I should be about 5 weeks post op, and hopefully quite a few more pounds lighter (if I would ever get on the scale to find out!) Hopefully the change will be noticeable and it will make my potential date's interest perk a little bit more and leave him no choice but to attend the wedding with me and not bail out. Wish me luck, hopefully all goes well!
I NEED this to work out. I can't explain it, but I think having a successful "ask someone on a date and actually have it go off without a hitch" will help me get over my recent heartbreak. As I mentioned, I relied on him for every bit of confidence I managed to have in myself. I never thought I was even remotely pretty until he told me a thousand times that I was "Beautiful." Without him there to continue it, I don't know if I can keep believing it. I know that sounds silly, but it is true. I WANT to believe it though. I WANT to believe I am everything he said, and not just because he was flattering me...but because I really am! For some reason I think the whole date thing would help prove to ME that I don't need him to tell me those things...maybe it will help show me that I should have that confidence in myself. I don't know, I am sure I sound absolutely silly again, but I can't help it. Maybe the surgery has made my mind race lately, or maybe it is just being here in the butt-crack by myself. Whatever is going on in this damn head of mine, I hope I can get it under wraps. Until then....I guess I will just have to keep ranting here. Sorry! =o)

The Beginning of the Journey...

Well, here I am doing something that I attempted to do on myspace once...Blog! I had fun writing the nonsense that I posted on the now antiquated site, so I figured I would give the blogspot a try. This time, however, I decided to make the blog a little more personal. Since I am on my own in a place I refer to as the "butt-crack" of the country (for work reasons...I wouldn't wish this place on myself for any other reason), I guess this can be my way of "talking" to someone without actually "talking." I can sit here in my apartment for hours on end talking to myself, but I find that I talk back and I end up arguing and questioning my own sanity. Understand where I come from yet? I need this outlet to vent, to express my feelings, and to just get out some of my rediculous banter. I also have an alterior motive in my writing. You see, I recently (VERY recently) decided to open a new chapter in my life. I guess that is what I would call it...it could actually be closing one book of my life and starting a new one. Whichever way I refer to it, there is definitely a HUGE change in my life on the horizon. Two weeks ago tomorrow, I underwent gastric banding surgery. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, and I finally had enough of the ups and downs of dieting. I actually had lost over 100 lbs in the past four years, but got stuck in a rut for the past year and couldn't seem to get my weight down even further. During that first successful weight loss journey, I did learn that the only person I was losing weight for was myself. I had the motivation, and the desire to be a healthier person. I had learned from past failed diet attempts that if you are doing it to try to win someone over, you aren't going to succeed. It has to be something you do for yourself! With that knowledge in hand, I decided to dig myself out of the rut I was in by looking into the Band surgery. I have to tell you that I am one of the BIGGEST chickens you will ever meet when it comes to anything having to do with Doctors, Hospitals, Needles, Tourniquets, etc... So for me to face some of my worst fears and actually go through with this surgery is nothing short of a miracle. The surgery actually wasn't as bad as my fears had made it out to be...I did just fine. Here it's two weeks post-op, and I am already down an additional 10 lbs from the date of the surgery, and feeling great (other than a little soreness). I have a great outlook on my future! Funny thing is, other parts of my life aren't going the way I would like them to go right now. The week before my surgery, the person I love the most decided he needed some "time" to figure himself out. The worst part about that is he was my best friend, my confidant...the person I turned to when I was scared, angry, sad or just in need of a reassuring word. I contemplated backing out of the surgery because I was scared -- and I didn't have him there to tell me that everything was going to be okay. But I made it through, without him. I made it through on my own. I know if I can do that, I can do anything. Sure, I miss him...but I have to carry on for myself. I had to do this for ME. So I find myself writing this blog tonight, embarking on a new journey. A journey of weight loss, self-discovery, and of learning to love myself. I hope I don't bore you too much, and I hope somewhere along my journey I find some like-minded individuals who understand what I am going through and can offer direction along the way.